The Derby & Joan Club Riot


                                     Sitting in this cell

                                      with deep regret

                                         after a night

                                    I will never forget.


                                    With thirty others

                                pensioners one and all

                               our night of excitement

                       the yearly Derby & Joan Club ball.


                                     Arrived at seven

                                     Me and the wife

                                  looking for laughter

                                  all we got was strife.


                                   All started happily

                                 everyone was on form

                             Apple punch flowed freely

                              as was generally the norm.


                         However, jealousies were evident

                             between some of the wives

                                  How a few single men

                             could cause such a surprise.


                       Old Mrs Bailey, a vicious old hag

                          not nice at all, looks long lost

                           got upset at remarks made

                               so revenge at all cost.


                                 Put Gin in the punch

                                 with Vodka & Wine

                            suddenly lots of laughter

                         this was not a very good sign.


                                music was playing

                              Dance floor was full

                   women swirling, dresses full blown

                            the men just on the pull.


                 Old Mrs Brown, not used to strong drink

                      flailing about as the light flickers

                let it all hang out, she was having a ball

          fell on her arse, showing her bright red knickers


                                A scream from the bandstand

                                      come help me please

                                             old Mrs Riley

                                       was down on her knees


                                       The drink had awoken

                                       desires long forgotten

                                      tried to debag the singer

                                        oh dear! How rotten.


                            Old Mrs Smith, revenge on her mind

                  picked up a custard pie, she had spied with one eye

                                           spotting Mr Davies

                                  taking good aim, she let it fly.


                                    He ducked saw it coming

                                           the vicar not so fast

                                     caught it smack in the face

                                         all there were aghast.


                                          A punch up ensued

                                     I couldn’t believe my eyes

                                    all these demure old ladies

                                    throwing around these pies.


                                         Fisticuffs abounded

                                   all were involved it strived

                                        someone dialled 999

                                     the police then arrived.


                                        The total disbelief

                                  on Sergeant Brown’s face

                                      women were fighting

                                         all over the place.


                                  Chuck them in the wagon

                                  he yelled with great force

                         off to the cells, we’ll arrest them all

                the Judge can deal with it as a matter of course.


                                      On Sunday the vicar

                                       a bit worse for wear

                                        went to his pulpit

                                            high in the air.


                                 The disgusting behaviour

                                     at the Derby & Joan

                                 had caused him concern

                                   and boy did he moan.

The Duck That Couldn’t Swim


Watching by the river’s edge one morning

bright and early, up at dawning

a female duck came waddling past

with babies one to eight in tow quite fast


Into the water she did go

little ones followed in a row

until it got to number eight

who got to the edge and stopped to wait.


Mother stopped and looked around

last baby making quacking sound

come on in she did imply

Baby shook his head as if to say why.


Brothers and sisters looked amazed

as brother on bank just sat and gazed

at the water, not impressed

had no intention of being pressed.


Into the water as mother wanted

this was one request, not to be granted

dipped his foot into the water deep

into this, don’t think I’ll creep.


I looked on bewildered and amused

to see a duck so unenthused

not intending to do as he was told

though so small but yet so bold.


Back came mother and a chase ensued

along the riverbank I was bemused

to see this duck in hot pursuit

of her baby, who looked so cute.


Once caught mum grabbed him by the neck

looked to say you will by heck

come into the water with all of us now

no time to waste, learn to swim somehow.


Into the water the duck now went

full of parental good intent

put her chick onto the water who suddenly reared

went up went down and disappeared.


Panic-stricken mum dived down

grabbed her son who was about to drown

he was panicking flapping wings

and suddenly began to swim.


Off he went across the water fast

Mum and remainder followed at last

down the river they all swam

out of sight down to the dam.


I walked off slightly mystified

to see a duck that nearly died

but all was well, it ended fine

they all swam off, all in a line.